Pearl
Part 1
1. The King of Beers
The police came to interview me again today. It wasn’t just me, really; they talked to everyone at the service station.
“Routine”, they said.
But they would, wouldn’t they? They would say that. They always say that on telly:
“Just routine. It’s just routine, Sir.”
They always say that on “The Bill”, right before they fucking nick you.
I was already shitting it on account of having that E in my jeans in my locker, but Dave said not to worry. Dave said to just chill.
“It’s a fucking murder investigation. It is not a drugs bust. Just chill.” He said.
In the end, it wasn’t like on ‘The Bill’ after all; it was just a bit boring. This one guy, this man pig, came in to the dishwasher room and he had this assistant with him. I could tell she was his assistant pig, on account of her being a bird. Both of them were in these really shitty clothes. He was a big looking guy – like one of those wrestlers Dave used to like. She was just a pig. I probably wouldn’t have fucked her. Fuck it, I might as well tell you. I would have. I would have fucked her.
Clive, the shift supervisor was with them. I could tell he was pissed off. He kept looking in that way he has when the area manager comes; out of the corner of his eye, full of sly, frustrated, hate.
Anyway. The bird pig, she said:
“OK, Mark.” Then she said “Look, is there anyway to turn that off?” and then she pointed to the dishwasher.
“No, we’re not allowed to. We get a written warning if we turn it off” I said. It’s true.
“It’s OK.” Said Clive, the shift supervisor. He sort of said it with a sigh, I don’t know why.
He pressed the emergency stop – the big red button – and the dishwasher stopped. I mean, there was still noise for a bit, clanking and hissing, like the dishwasher was pissed off at being interrupted. But then it stopped. I love pressing that big, red button, cos it means that the shift is nearly over. Then all I need to do is clean its guts out and mop the floor. It’s a machine. It doesn’t really have guts. But that’s what we call the bit where all the hard bits of food and teabags and shit go when they’re too big to go down the drains.
“Thanks” said the bird pig. But she didn’t sound like she meant it.
Sometimes it’s only when something comes back that you realise how quiet it was while it was gone, and sometimes it’s only when something’s gone that you realise how noisy it was before it went.
This was like that; All of a sudden it seemed real quiet, my ears could hear everything – the counter staff just outside taking orders for tea, the tick tick tick of something dripping, the hum of the fluorescent lights like a fly was trapped in there. It was sort of the opposite of a rave, where when you come out, all you can hear is noise.
Then the man pig started to talk to me
“We’re a bit pressed for time” he said.
Like it was my fucking fault they hadn’t solved the murder.
“Like I even care” I thought, but I kept my face blank like I do when the managers call me to their office. And I spoke even slower than I do in the managers office, so as to piss him off even more.
An equal and apposite reaction.
They did some explaining to me, how about Clive, the shift supervisor, was allowed to stay in on the interview as he was a responsible adult, on account of me being only 17. Only! I’m nearly 18 and I’ve already been drinking for ages. I can get served in the Lion and Yates, no problem.
I nearly said how I didn’t think he was a responsible adult; I thought how he was a cunt. But I never in the end.
After the man pig stopped speaking, the bird pig started again. In that respect, I spose it was like it was on “The Bill”, after all. Cos that’s what they do on there. One talks, and then the other one talks. “Good cop, bad cop” it’s called. I don’t know why they bother. They must just hope us lot, I mean, the underclass, don’t watch “The Bill” I spose. Actually, I don’t actually know anyone else who does watch it, apart from me and my Dad, and my dad only ever gets nicked for drunkenness these days. It’s not like they have to be clever with him.
While I was working all this out, the man pig was just talking. I sort of lost what he was saying so when he stopped, I just stopped right back.
“Did you understand all that, Mark?” Clive, the shift supervisor, asked.
“Not really” I said, but, slowly so as to piss the man pig off. I hoped he’d not search my clothes, to piss me off back, and the thought of the E in there made me sweat even more. But I figured that it was alright; I always sweat in that fucking dishwasher room. It’s so hot, man.
“OK” the bird pig said and she breathed like she’d been holding her breath. “Now, uh, Mark”
For a second I was panicking that she was going to say that they’d found the dope. That they’d put me away unless I told them where I got the E from. There's no way I'd tell, I think. But on the other hand, I'm not sure I could do porridge.
But instead she just said “I’m sure you’re aware by now we’re in again this morning just conducting follow up investigations. Now, you were working the night of the eighteenth, when Isobel was seen here. Is that right?”
I decided I’d better not play dumb; that man pig looked a spiteful cunt. I could just see him looking through my locker, just to piss me off.
So I said “Uh, yeah, but I didn’t know it at the time. Like. I mean, it wasn’t till after you cu, eh, lot found her body and they traced her back here that I worked it out. I mean, it was like a month ago now, I couldn’t remember. But yeah, yeah, I was here”.
That was the truth, too.
I’d already figured out I must have been working in here, in the dishwasher room, when we heard about the murder. Everyone in the staff room worked out where everyone else was, and then we had a sweepstake on who done it. It was a right laugh. Everyone was jealous with Dave cos he pulled out Rob the Rapist’s name out the hat, well, the ashtray, and everyone reckons he’s a fucking cert to win. Rob the rapist’s a nutter. Well, he’d have to be with a name like that, right? All the lads make jokes about whether Rob the Rapist fucked the hitchhiker before or after he killed her, and some of the birds laugh.
The man pig had started talking again, and then he stopped again.
Sometimes I find it hard to follow what people say. I am alright with my mates, but with people in suits and that, well, they’re too clever for me. And girls, too, I’m not too good with the birds. When I was a kid I though it’d be alright when I’d got used to it, I’d be the bees knees, but I’ve already been used to it for a long, long time.
“Uh?”
I said, when it became clear that the man pig wanted me to say something. I was wondering whether to tell him about the sweepstake, and how we all thought it was Rob the Rapist on account of there being a reward. I figured that reward would let me get out of Dad’s house and rent a flat by the canal in the cook area of town. Man, that’d be cook. Maybe there’d be enough for a motor, too. On the other hand, Rob the Rapist is a big fat fucker and I don’t want to get on the bad side of everyone for being a grass, so I just said
“uh?”
again, and sort of cupped my hand round my ear, as if I was fucking deaf or something.
This time it was his turn to not say anything. I could see the air go all the way into his lungs from the way he was breathing. Clive was smirking, but I didn’t know what that cunt had to smile about; even I am better looking than him.
"This lassie was murdered. The killer is still out there. We need to catch him. To do that, we need your help" said the man pig. “Can. You. Help. Us?” he asked.
I nearly said something about lassie being the name of the dog, and to fuck off back north. But I never. I just shook my head and said "sorry".
“So you didn’t see anything” said the pig bird. I could tell she was pissed off by the way she was looking at me. It was a look like I’d trodden in something. You know: Dog shit.
“Nope” I said. I put one hand on the bitch, that’s the dishwasher as I checked my trainers, just in case, but there was no shit on there.
They were freaking me out.
Fuck the police.
“Well, thanks for your help” they said and they both turned away straight away.
"Told you" I heard Clive say, quietly, as they left. I saw him smirk again
After they’d gone there was just me and that buzzing sound in the room. I thought about having a cigarette but I was just enjoying standing there in the space where they’d been. I’d got away with a drugs offence, that’s the way I’d looked at it. I’d had dope in my locker and the so called pigs were too thick to catch me. It felt good.
